Sensei to Be no longer Sensei to Be??? O.O
Yes, it is true…
Since I’m not so sure I want to be a sensei anymore, I don’t want to be tied to that title. Therefore, my blog home has moved, and my title is new. “Saccharine Strawberry” (“Strawberry” for short) would be my new blogging “alias” if you will, my new blog can be found at http://saccharinestrawberry.wordpress.com.
Thank you everyone who has kept up with my insanity thus far. Continue following if you dare…
-Sensei to Be
Blek.
Ear Food: Brave (Idina Menzel)
Mood: Eh…
First post of 2009~! Happy New Year late, y’all. Hope nobody went too crazy ringing in the new year. ^^
So. Today started the second semester. Can’t exactly say I was excited to return to school after a freakishly short nineteen days… was it really that long? Didn’t feel like it to me. -shrug-
There are days when I truly question my sanity. Pessism and optimism take turns prevading my personality. I go from saying “live life to the fullest” to “I wish I was dead”. And today, I realized not only that a utopia, or perfect world, does not exsist, but that I see things differently than… everyone. Like you guys are the FM and I’m on the AM. I feel like I’m in The Bell Jar or something. xD;;
On the other hand, today was good… I look forward to English class now. ^^ I switched from one teacher to another because I was bored, didn’t feel challenged and wasn’t doing my work as a consequence… but today I had my frist day of the new teacher. I feel… almost like that’s the level I should be at, and anything lower is an insult to my mental compacity. I don’t mean to sound arrogant or full of myself, but really. I’m not as dumb as people think… so now I guess I’m ready to live up to what my parents think is my “full potential”. Haha.
So anyways. Life’s pretty slow right now; there’s roughly two months of downtime between now and March, when the Kyoai students (kids from my high school’s friendship school in Japan) come over and I host and/or shadow one at school. Then after that, there’s a few weeks before the big yearbook convention in Phoenix (like St. Louis, except the enitre staff is going and there’s more money involved). Well, okay; to say that nothing is going on in my life would be a flat-out lie. It’s just not really anything I feel comfortable posting on the Internet, though I love being emo and silly in my blog. xD
Till the next time…
- Sensei to Be
Merry Freakin’ Christmas.
Ear Food: Sailed Away (Saving Abel)
Mood: Intrigued. It’s a weird way to feel right about now.
So. The holidays are almost here. Everyone’s out and about, doing last minute shopping, traveling out to meet family, exchanging gifts and the like. So, sitting on the floor of an airport on the way to New Orleans to see my family, I should be happy… right?
I wasn’t excited for the season this year anyway. I’m old enough now that I can sense the tension rolling off my parents in waves; I’m also old enough now that I can wish the rest of my family would just grow the hell up and stop acting like five-year-olds over the fact that my parents got married fresh out of high school 33 years ago. To make matters worse, now that I’m older, I look like more like my mom than my dad now, so my dad’s family (or at least, parts of it) aren’t my biggest fans. I’m old enough now that I can be pissed off about it.
No, of course, to add more stress to the season, my lil ole great-grandmother had to up and die yesterday. And my grandmother, with her morbid sense of humor (is that the correct phrase?) decided to go ahead and have the funeral on Christmas Eve. Way to go, Grandma. Just bring everyone else down. We couldn’t have done it the day after Christmas or something?
It just seems really inappropriate for us to celebrate when a vital, hilarious, and ornery old woman-member of our family just… died. And I know it may seem selfish, and like I’m only thinking of myself, but… I dunno. I guess it really just hasn’t hit me yet that I’m never gonna see her again. And I’m sure it will tonight, when my parents and I invade my grandparents’ empty house (since the funeral’s being held in Mansfield and the visitation was today)… or tomorrow, when I actually see the whole she-bang. Or it may not hit till Christmas Day, when we’re opening presents and I don’t hear her high-pitched, squeaky old voice yelling, “Well, thanks, -insert name-!” I have no idea. I’ve never been to a funeral before… hell, I’ve never known anyone who’s died before. So I have literally no idea of how I’m going to react. Will I even have the heart to bring my new, nice-ass D40 and take pictures? Would that be considered heartless and inappropriate? Or would I just be so upset that I couldn’t take a picture? I don’t even know.
Anyways. The whole holiday season is really just becoming a flaming bitch in my mind. My whole fmaily still views me as a little kid who can’t handle anything; therefore, no one told me that she was dying. No one bothered to fill me in on the fact that she didn’t know who anyone in our family was for the last week she was alive. I’m really just ready for it all to be over so I can go back to my safe harbor… for some reason, “home” never seemed so sucky until now.
But I guess that’s growing up for ya. –shrug-
Till next time… If I survive the freakin’ holiday season…
-Sensei to Be
4, 3, 2, 1… I’m Letting You Go. (Or Trying, Anyway.)
Ear Food: Never Meant to Belong (Bleach Soundtrack)
Mood: (trying to be) Apathetic. I’ll explain.
So last night/yesterday afternoon, I decided that I was done. With Sam treating me like crap, that is. I’ve been hearing from so many different people that I don’t deserve to be treated that way, and I finally, I got convinced (because I know that’s not true- I’m getting exactly what I deserve). So I decided to end it.
I cried a little bit afterwards. I cried alot in the shower later. But it didn’t actually sink in till this morning. I saw him with Leah and realized that I had no claim on him. So the feelings of rage and… others where completely uncalled for.
Unless of course I really am in love with him.
But anyways.
I cried a little bit when I saw the Facebook relationship status. I let out a little cry of rage because I did it to myself. I knew he’d go out with her if I let him go and I don’t want that to happen. But I actually want him to be happy. If he thinks he has feelings for someone else or chemistry with some random girl, if he wants to persue that, he can. If he’s happy, I can move on. Slowly. Not easily.
Anyway.
In order to keep up my image of strength, I let the ice lock around my heart. I told myself over and over that he wouldn’t come back, that he’d been waiting for me to do this so he could be free. Because Lord knows I’m a horrible person, who didn’t deserve the commitment and love that he gave me. Maybe that’s why I ended it. Moving on… I told myself that he gave me more time, more patience, more love than I deserved, and that I had this coming. Being physically in pain from it was no more than I deserved, not just for wasting his time, but for the ways I’ve wronged him before I even knew I was doing it. If God didn’t have a sense of humor, he would have run after finding out about my past. So I decided to let my heart freeze over and remain emotionless until I can handle the pain. Numbness is better than tears, and it’s alot better than fighting back the wild urge to punch someone in the face. Numbness is easy.
But of course, when Shelbi compared Sam and Michael to Edward and Jacob last night, I knew it would be no good. Edward came back. Edward always comes back. Bella loves Jacob, but not enough to change anything; only enough to hurt everyone around her. It pales in comparision to how much she loves Edward, who she has a hard time living without.
So I knew when there was a Twilight reference made that the ice and the numbness was no good. When I felt the heat spread through my limbs this morning, felt the blood pump and the adrenaline rush and the hate burn its way through my body, that the heat in the back of my eyes actually meant I was on the verge of tears, I understood that it would take more than just numbness to kill this. So I fought it all back, and it’s spilling out now, from my fingertips onto the screen, for everyone in the entire world to see; how stupid am I?
But see, I really do hope… for both their sakes… that things work out between them. I didn’t deserve Sam… and he deserves better than what I have to offer. I don’t mind giving him up for someone else’s sanity… I’d never wish my pain and the like on somebody else. So I really am praying that it works out… however God wants it to. God’s got a purpose for all this, and that’s what’ll keep me strong and happy and content, in the end. :)
Till next time,
-Sensei to Be
Abstinence… Till Death.
Ear Food: Lost Reason (Abingdon Boys’ School)
Mood: Smiley. My kitchen smells AMAZING.
So…
HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYONE! -waves-
I’ve been thanking well-wishers for hours… smelling my mom and grandma’s cooking for longer… and I continue a tradition for the last twelve years of me making the pumpkin pie. (Because I’m that awesome.)
So.
Last night, went and met Sam’s aunt and uncle and cousin who came in from Atlanta… watched his older brother get totally wasted… dealt with a drunk Sam after his brother spiked his drink… and multiple other things I’m not talking about on the WorldWideWeb. xD;; Needless to say, it was a long night. And of course I wake up this morning looking like I’ve been to hell and back. I love my life!
On the plus side, I’ve decided to not get a 120 GB iPod classic… I’m going for a 16GB Touch instead. I thought about a 32GB, but it’s $100 more, and I’ve cost my family alot of money the past few months- St. Louis trip, class ring, that $200 texting bill, excessive use of electricity for the laptop… yeah. By the time I’m ready for an upgrade, with the warranty I can get the 32GB for free, if I like the touch enough.
… Still haven’t done any preparations for musical tryouts… >.>;; -hums tryout song-
Have a happy Thanksgiving, and till next time…
-Sensei to Be
‘Ello! I am Lindsay Lohan. xD
Ear Food: Hona Sayonara (Rock Musical BLEACH)
Mood: Content. My family’s in town, for once.
So…
As an update from last post, I did not get to attend church. And I will be unable to attend tonight as well. I’m considering getting a car illegally and just going myself. But my mother would not approve of illegally aquirring a vehicle… or driving without a liscence… or church. xD;; So that plan is out. I’ll have to wait till Saturday, it seems… -sigh-
On the plus side, Sam’s coming over today to spend the whole day with me and my family. ^.^ I’ve also decided to try out for my school’s musical… that’s going to be interesting. “42nd Street” is all tap… I haven’t tap danced since I was, like, six. xD;; But oh well.
Till the next time I have time,
-Sensei to Be
“Bella, you are my life now.”
Ear Food: Bella’s Lullaby (Twilight soundtrack)
Mood: Content. Just am. Been all hop-skip-jump-y too. ^.^
So, yeah. Saw Twilight last night with Sam… Edward Cullen and Sam together like that… -fans self- So much awesomeness! xD
Anyway.
The movie people didn’t do as horribly as I expected. Stephenie Meyer was there the entire time they filmed, she was in one of the scenes, and all the fillers seemed like something she would write. I definately would have cast different people, and not made Edward so socially awkward at first, but hey. I didn’t direct it. -shrug-
Church tonight~! I’m so happy. It’s been awhile since I’ve been able to go, what with A-Train, then St. Louis… and, yeah. It’s been interesting. But I’m ready for an hour of worship and an hour of Pastor Clint’s preaching poweress.
May I announce to the general public that it IS normal to feel somewhat seperated from God in your Christian walk. It is not normal- or healthy- to be on fire for God every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every month of every year of your life. I’m not trying to justify my recent actions- I know some things I’ve been doing are wrong- but I’m just saying. -shrug- Actually, I was just thinking I would put that out there for you lot to do what you will with it. xD;;
Till next time,
-Sensei to Be
So~ Interesting…
Ear Food: Real Face (KAT-TUN)
Mood: Happy. I’m back home.
It all started this morning when I woke up at 9:30. And we had decided to leave the hotel at 9:45. I got up, sprinted around the room to pack all my crap back up, threw some random clothes on and yelled, “OK LET’S GO!”. Then we jumped in the Suburban and drove for four hours. Now my back hurts. >.<
BUT
LAST NIGHT
I SPOKE JAPANESE
WITH AN ACTUAL JAPANESE PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh yes! Mr. Mays’ cousin’s wife IS ACTUALLY JAPANESE. Her name is Hitomi. And she was ADORABLE. And Mays told her I’m in Japanese at school right now, and that I want to be a sensei. So we walked in to the restruant…
**Hitomi: Konbanwa.
Me: Konbanwa.
Hitomi: Genki desu ka?
Me: Genki desu.
LATER
Hitomi: Anata no sensei wa nihonjin desu ka?
Me: Iie.
Hitomi: Sensei wa Amerikajin desu ka?
Me: Hai, sou desu.**
It.
Was.
AWESOME.
And then I told her about the that one time when I got points taken off a test for not translating literally enough. Hitomi said that was ridiculous and went on this really awesome rant. xD
On the plus side…
TODAY IS ME AND SAM’S THREE MONTHS!!!! Oh yes, ladies and gentlemen! As of today, we’ve been dating for three months! That is a very long time for the American high-school couple, ne? xD;;
So I need to clean up from traveling before we go out and celebrate. -waves-
Till next time,
-Sensei to Be
** Hitomi: Good evening.
Me: Good evening.
Hitomi: How are you?
Me: I’m fine.
LATER
Hitomi: Is your sensei Japanese?
Me: No.
Hitomi: Is your sensei American?
Me: Yes, that’s right.**
St. Louis, Days 1, 2 and 3
Ear Food: Tainted Love (Marilyn Manson)
Mood: Eh. My feet hurt like hell.
So. Let’s start the breakdown of the trip thus far by starting with Day 1.
Day 1:
My mom and I arrived at my high school at 7:30am, when we decided that we would meet in the school parking lot and then leave for St. Louis. After getting everyone’s luggage together and a brief Meet and Greet with Mrs. Mays, we jumped in the school Suburban and we where on our way. We left around 7:45, and got there shortly after one. After checking in to our hotel and cleaning up a bit, we all piled in to the hotel shuttle and went to The Old Spaghetti Factory for lunch. On the way to lunch, we came to the consensus that we would pretend to be Mr. Mays’ six daughters while out in public for the duration of the trip.
Anyways. After we finished our lunch, we decided to walk over to the arch, and take the tour to the top. That was interesting- the ticket guy specifically asked if any of us were claustrophobic or afraid of heights. Mays said no, but I’m both. The cars were absolutely tiny- about four or five feet in diameter, tops- and we got this crazy idea to cram all seven of us in to one car on the way up. These cars are designed to seat five, so Emily and I sat on people’s laps. The top of the arch was incredible- 630 feet above St. Louis at sunset, the view was gorgeous.
After heading back down, it was time to head over to the Renaissance Grand Hotel to get registered for the convention and get free stuff before keynotes. We all got lime green totebags reading, “i speak yearbook” on them, I got a free pen, notepad, and poster (which read the First Amendment). After walking everyone’s booths, we got our nametags and event programs, and decided to go across the street to the America Center for keynotes. The only downside of this was that we got there an hour early- so I took the opportunity to call my parents, as Sam and I had been texting all day, but I hadn’t talked to my parents at all. I debriefed my mom, then returned to the meeting hall to tentatively plan who was going to which conference (which are more like seminars/classes than an actual conference).
When keynotes where finished, we walked back to the hotel. Mr. Mays and his wife said good night, and we walked over to the restruant in the hotel lobby. What we then realized is that a tattoo expo is taking place in our hotel on this particular weekend- so we’ve got all these tattoo artists and tattoo’d people walking around the lobby, and we’re like, “WTF?!”. After dinner, we headed upstairs for showers and planning out Day 2. My roommates and I watched part of “Juno” before calling it lights out.
Day 2:
Our alarms went off at seven, since the first conference started at nine and we wanted to get breakfast at the Starbucks next to the Renaissance. Also, we decided before leaving that we would wear business clothes to the Friday conferences, so we met in the lobby all nice and dressed up. As we stepped outside… we were greeted by a cold rain. This resulted in us running back up to our rooms to get jackets, so as to protect our hair. Back on the street again, we walked the three blocks to Starbucks… to find that the line wrapped around the counter and went out the door. So, we decided to go up to the Renaissance’s cafe, and bought (in my case) pink lemonade and Nutri-Grain bars. My first conference was in America Center across the street, so I ran out in to the rain and to my first conference, Advanced Yearbook Nerdology.
It was packed, and I wore heels, so I stood taking notes in heels for an hour. But it was totally worth it- the speakers were awesome. After Nerdology, my next “class” was in the same room, so I went up front and got an actual seat. When that was finished, I had a Photography class in the Renaissance, so it was out in to the rain and across the street for me. That one was interesting, but the speaker had this annoying as hell voice that reminded me of my science teacher in the ninth grade, so it kind of sucked. After that, I ended up getting lost on my way to next class, a seminar on sportswriting. What I didn’t know was that this was set up for people who wanted to be sportswriters after high school, not yearbook students who justed wanted better quality stories. So it was kind of a bust. But I was rewarded… by Panda Express at the Galleria’s food court!
The Galleria is this huge, absolutely massive mall in St. Louis. It was beautiful- they were even starting to put the Christmas decorations up. Since Mr. Mays hates shopping but his wife loves it, we split up into groups to walk the mall. My group- me, Anna, Emily and Annie- decided to start at the third floor and work our way back down. So we’re all happy, going through this huge mall. I already had bags from American Eagle and Hot Topic, when we saw Pac Sun. We went in, and Annie told me that she, Anna and Emily were going to the calendar store nextdoor, and when I was done I could meet them outside.
So I try on clothes, don’t buy anything, and walk outside. The scene before me is Annie, Emily and Anna sitting on a bench staring at these random pieces of paper, and an angry-looking mall cop watching them. So I walked up and asked what was wrong. It went something like this:
Me: Hey, what’s going on?
Anna: We’ve been arrested.
Me: What the hell? What did you do!?
Emily: Nothing. Nothing at all.
Annie: Apparently in this mall you have to be 17 and with ID to walk the mall by yourself. If not, you have be with a chaperone over 21.
Me: -lmao- That is probably the dumbest thing I’ve heard this week.
So Annie keeps trying to call Mr. Mays, but he was in a movie and had his phone turned off. None of us had Mrs. Mays’ phone number, and the mall cop wouldn’t let us go get him. “Your chaperone has to come get you, or you have to leave.” he kept saying. so we got this idea… that we would walk out one door, and come back in to the mall a floor below. It was going great… until our mall cop friend spotted us from above, then radioed to the guy on our floor.
So we’re sitting there in “mall jail”, trying to figure out what to do, when we see Mrs. Mays go in to a store. So we start jumping up and down, waving our arms around and yelling, “MRS. MAYS! SHE’S RIGHT THERE IN THAT STORE!!!” The mall cop was nice enough to let Emily go get her, so we met up with Mrs. Mays and walked the mall with her.
After the mall, it was a trip to Target for the night’s dinner and today’s breakfast. Then back to the hotel for dinner, showers and planning out the conference schedule for Day 3. My group finished “Juno” and then went to bed around midnight.
Day 3:
Today the conferences began at eight, ended at four, and the requirement was to go to at least five. Emily and Anna decided they wanted to start early and finish early. I on the other hand wanted to sleep, so I started at nine and ended at one-thirty (since the last one got out early). The seniors decided to take an hour-long lunchbreak at noon after going to three during the morning. These conferences were alright; like yesterday, it didn’t seem like I was in there for several hours on end. On the flip side, it’s cold as a mofo today, and I changed buildings three times. Apparently it’s snowing back in Kansas, it’s snowing about sixty miles south of here,and it looks like it’ll snow here pretty soon. I have no idea if it’s piling up yet in my town, but I hope so. Right now, we’re watching TV in the hotel, waiting on the seniors to finish their conferences. Mr. Mays has some cousins who live here and are taking us to get pizza and ice cream tonight- and dinner’s on Mr. Mays. I’m so happy; this has been an amazing weekend. I did all my homework on Wednesday night before I went to bed, so I won’t have to do it when we get home tomorrow. I’m so sad this trip has to end; I wish we could stay here for at least a few more days. Oh, well.
Till next time,
-Sensei to Be
Blah.
Ear Food: The Frown Song (Ben Folds)
Mood: Eh. I’m avoiding doing homework.
I know it’s been a while. But I haven’t had time to write. I know, sad. -emoness-
Anyways. Moving on~…
New dilema: I really want Ben Folds’ new CD, Way to Normal. But for some reason, I can’t find it in stores- only on iTunes. But I have no money on iTunes. It’s evil. >.<
On the plus side, I got my dad and boyfriend into church today. We had a guest speaker who survived 9/11, and I thought they needed to hear the message. (Which was AWESOME. This guy is an incredible speaker.)
My German friend Eva and I went shopping yesterday, too. That was pretty sweet- I got her addicted to Hollister. -sniffs shirt from there- It be scented~. ^.^
Not much to write about… I’m going to St. Louis with yearbook in four days. That’s gonna ROCK. So, until I have something worthwhile to talk about,
-Sensei to Be
