4, 3, 2, 1… I’m Letting You Go. (Or Trying, Anyway.)
Ear Food: Never Meant to Belong (Bleach Soundtrack)
Mood: (trying to be) Apathetic. I’ll explain.
So last night/yesterday afternoon, I decided that I was done. With Sam treating me like crap, that is. I’ve been hearing from so many different people that I don’t deserve to be treated that way, and I finally, I got convinced (because I know that’s not true- I’m getting exactly what I deserve). So I decided to end it.
I cried a little bit afterwards. I cried alot in the shower later. But it didn’t actually sink in till this morning. I saw him with Leah and realized that I had no claim on him. So the feelings of rage and… others where completely uncalled for.
Unless of course I really am in love with him.
But anyways.
I cried a little bit when I saw the Facebook relationship status. I let out a little cry of rage because I did it to myself. I knew he’d go out with her if I let him go and I don’t want that to happen. But I actually want him to be happy. If he thinks he has feelings for someone else or chemistry with some random girl, if he wants to persue that, he can. If he’s happy, I can move on. Slowly. Not easily.
Anyway.
In order to keep up my image of strength, I let the ice lock around my heart. I told myself over and over that he wouldn’t come back, that he’d been waiting for me to do this so he could be free. Because Lord knows I’m a horrible person, who didn’t deserve the commitment and love that he gave me. Maybe that’s why I ended it. Moving on… I told myself that he gave me more time, more patience, more love than I deserved, and that I had this coming. Being physically in pain from it was no more than I deserved, not just for wasting his time, but for the ways I’ve wronged him before I even knew I was doing it. If God didn’t have a sense of humor, he would have run after finding out about my past. So I decided to let my heart freeze over and remain emotionless until I can handle the pain. Numbness is better than tears, and it’s alot better than fighting back the wild urge to punch someone in the face. Numbness is easy.
But of course, when Shelbi compared Sam and Michael to Edward and Jacob last night, I knew it would be no good. Edward came back. Edward always comes back. Bella loves Jacob, but not enough to change anything; only enough to hurt everyone around her. It pales in comparision to how much she loves Edward, who she has a hard time living without.
So I knew when there was a Twilight reference made that the ice and the numbness was no good. When I felt the heat spread through my limbs this morning, felt the blood pump and the adrenaline rush and the hate burn its way through my body, that the heat in the back of my eyes actually meant I was on the verge of tears, I understood that it would take more than just numbness to kill this. So I fought it all back, and it’s spilling out now, from my fingertips onto the screen, for everyone in the entire world to see; how stupid am I?
But see, I really do hope… for both their sakes… that things work out between them. I didn’t deserve Sam… and he deserves better than what I have to offer. I don’t mind giving him up for someone else’s sanity… I’d never wish my pain and the like on somebody else. So I really am praying that it works out… however God wants it to. God’s got a purpose for all this, and that’s what’ll keep me strong and happy and content, in the end. :)
Till next time,
-Sensei to Be
