Merry Freakin’ Christmas.
Ear Food: Sailed Away (Saving Abel)
Mood: Intrigued. It’s a weird way to feel right about now.
So. The holidays are almost here. Everyone’s out and about, doing last minute shopping, traveling out to meet family, exchanging gifts and the like. So, sitting on the floor of an airport on the way to New Orleans to see my family, I should be happy… right?
I wasn’t excited for the season this year anyway. I’m old enough now that I can sense the tension rolling off my parents in waves; I’m also old enough now that I can wish the rest of my family would just grow the hell up and stop acting like five-year-olds over the fact that my parents got married fresh out of high school 33 years ago. To make matters worse, now that I’m older, I look like more like my mom than my dad now, so my dad’s family (or at least, parts of it) aren’t my biggest fans. I’m old enough now that I can be pissed off about it.
No, of course, to add more stress to the season, my lil ole great-grandmother had to up and die yesterday. And my grandmother, with her morbid sense of humor (is that the correct phrase?) decided to go ahead and have the funeral on Christmas Eve. Way to go, Grandma. Just bring everyone else down. We couldn’t have done it the day after Christmas or something?
It just seems really inappropriate for us to celebrate when a vital, hilarious, and ornery old woman-member of our family just… died. And I know it may seem selfish, and like I’m only thinking of myself, but… I dunno. I guess it really just hasn’t hit me yet that I’m never gonna see her again. And I’m sure it will tonight, when my parents and I invade my grandparents’ empty house (since the funeral’s being held in Mansfield and the visitation was today)… or tomorrow, when I actually see the whole she-bang. Or it may not hit till Christmas Day, when we’re opening presents and I don’t hear her high-pitched, squeaky old voice yelling, “Well, thanks, -insert name-!” I have no idea. I’ve never been to a funeral before… hell, I’ve never known anyone who’s died before. So I have literally no idea of how I’m going to react. Will I even have the heart to bring my new, nice-ass D40 and take pictures? Would that be considered heartless and inappropriate? Or would I just be so upset that I couldn’t take a picture? I don’t even know.
Anyways. The whole holiday season is really just becoming a flaming bitch in my mind. My whole fmaily still views me as a little kid who can’t handle anything; therefore, no one told me that she was dying. No one bothered to fill me in on the fact that she didn’t know who anyone in our family was for the last week she was alive. I’m really just ready for it all to be over so I can go back to my safe harbor… for some reason, “home” never seemed so sucky until now.
But I guess that’s growing up for ya. –shrug-
Till next time… If I survive the freakin’ holiday season…
-Sensei to Be
